So this morning, as I was preparing breakfast for Breanna and Adrian, the 3 and 6 year old delights that I nanny. I was browsing facebook and stumbled upon some pictures of my graduating class, along with other OSU School of Architecture alumni, having a reunion event in Dallas. And it kind of caught me off guard because for the first time since leaving, I asked myself...did I make the right decision?
Not that I hadn't constantly been thinking about my reasons to leave; a lot of people in my life have already been constantly asking me why I left the US.
On paper (or these days, on social media), it appeared as though I was heading towards a very bright future. I had just graduated from university, I was working at one of the world's top architecture firms right out of school, and I was living in a really nice apartment in downtown Dallas...what the hell made me give all that up?
Well, people who are close to me can give a pretty simple answer to that. I wasn't happy.
The prestigious job wasn't actually prestigious at all. I was working in a department that valued nothing that I have grown to value about architecture. That's the dangers of a corporate firm. The firm itself can be highly regarded in the architecture community. The Dallas office is less developed than other branches, but has so much potential and is definitely growing into it's own. But my previous department's focus has only been and will always be business. The goal is always going to be to make as much money as possible, even if it means sacrificing design and sustainability ethics among other important principals that every modern-day architect is encouraged to value. Most of all, the management I was working for never hesitated to sacrifice their employees' lives outside of the office. To compensate for taking on too many projects at low competitive rates, without enough staff to properly complete the projects, my department worked an average of 60-80 weeks. Most of the staff didn't even getting paid for the overtime... No sane person would want to do that. But that's how competitive these corporate firms can be. If you're not willing to do it, there are ten other people waiting in line who would be. So actually, leaving my job might have been the easiest decision to be honest.
But why didn't I stay in Dallas or go anywhere else in the US and pursue another architecture job?
Believe it or not, I tried. I applied for as many entry level architecture jobs as I could find all over the country. I had skype-interviews for a few positions, and even flew to Chicago to interview for a branded-environments position within my previous firm. But the problem was, I was looking to leave my first professional job after less than a year. No matter how eloquently I explained my difficulties and un-resolvable differences with previous management, to potential employers, I looked like i was not able to commit to the professional world. And there was probably some truth in that at the time. I was offered the Chicago position on the condition that I was willing to commit for at least three years. And at the end of the day, I couldn't. Because what if the same thing happened all over again? What if I took the offer, only to discover a few months later that the office environment was toxic and was affecting my mental health and social life?
So what was there left to do? Go back to school and pursue a masters or second degree in a different field? Gamble getting into even more crippling student debt in the hopes that this time I'll be able to find my dream job afterwards? I wasn't into that option at all and for now am still not.
The reason I continue to face this quarter-life crisis is definitely because of my study abroad experience. I spent my last semester of university "studying" in Valencia, Spain (I only needed to be in two courses to graduate). I can easily say that those were the happiest six months of my life so far. For the first time in my life, I wasn't struggling with my depression. I was very active in my day to day life by using the city's public bike system and walking wherever I needed to go. That combined with easier and cheaper access to healthy food, I was no longer struggling with weight gain, and was in fact losing weight in the healthiest way possible. I had a rich and fulfilling social life with genuine friends who I traveled parts of Europe with. And I met Joshua Pears and found in him what I didn't think existed for me: someone who loved me unconditionally and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Every morning I was happy and grateful to wake up and experience my life for another day. Every second I was being mentally and emotionally stimulated in new ways. Coming from someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember, to finally be in love with life felt like I was beginning a much awaited new chapter. One where I was finally happy.
And the second my student visa ran out and I had to leave, that all began to fall apart. Six months later, my social life was non-existent; I had no one to talk to, spend time with, and connect with in a friendly way outside of work hours. Work of course was pretty useless in that aspect because at work, you talk about work. And I've already explained how badly things were going on that front under extremely toxic management. I was also suddenly more stagnant than I had ever been since getting my driver's license at 17. I didn't own a car when I was in Dallas because I couldn't afford to. After paying for rent, utilities, living expenses, medical, dental, and renters insurances, therapy, a gym membership, and student loan payments... I barely had enough money left to pay for public transportation, let alone tie myself down to car payments. Without even being able to fully explore Dallas, let alone other places in Texas as well as the rest of the United States, I was no longer being stimulated in any way. Especially not creatively like I had hoped I would be when I accepted the architecture position. I was yet again struggling with exponential weight gain. The only good thing I had left in my life was my beloved Josh who I was forced to leave behind in Valencia. My depression came back in waves until I found myself drowning in the severest form of the mental illness that I had ever experienced. Not only was I not happy. I was suicidal.
So, again, what was there to do?
I left.
When you come back from study abroad, people always ask you what you learned. Until now, I couldn't really give people a satisfactory answer. I would always say "I didn't necessarily learn anything, but I found happiness for the first time in my life". Now, I realize that that was my answer all along. From traveling I learned that lifestyles around the world are so much more drastically different to what my lifestyle was in the United States. I learned that the American lifestyle and I aren't compatible with each other.
Over a year after leaving Spain, I learned that I can find happiness in travelling.
And after four months of leaving the United States again, I truly feel that I have made the right decision for myself.
